How to ruin your credit, declare bankruptcy and lose your family’s entire retirement nest egg in one easy step: Bitcoins!

Buttcoin

How to ruin your credit, declare bankruptcy and lose your family’s entire retirement nest egg in one easy step: Bitcoins!

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Ohh boy, sometimes the best things happen outside of the insanity that is the BitcoinTalk forums. Today we’re looking at a very bad and very sad post over on Reddit. Some chump has decided the best course to secure his entire family’s future was to put his entire retirement savings into Bitcoins.

btc-gone-all-gone

Read this part again and let it sink in how horrible an idea this is:

I am not a wealthy man. I am actually quite poor and have a lot of student loan debt. But I have good credit. I have applied for, and received over $30,000 USD in credit card 0% balance transfer cash, which I have slowly been investing in bitcoin for the past two months. I started when it was $14/BTC. At this second, it is $25.10/BTC. I have invested some of it in satoshidice, and the rest will be stored in an offline wallet.

He’s borrowing from his credit cards in order to “invest” some BTC into an online casino and some into a regular wallet file, hoping the currency increases in value forever.

You have to read the entire post to get the full extent of the tragedy here. It’s not some college kid who got too much credit. This guy is not young, he has a family, and he’s already in debt. He has not only bet everything his family has and more on Bitcoin, but he’s also of the mindset that whatever he put into SatoshiDice is an “investment”.

Some people on Reddit have expressed their concerns over his plan. He promptly waives off all their concerns because since it’s on a credit card, it’s not his money so it’s “not his problem”.

btc-gone-all-gone4

 

Plenty of people agree with him.

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And what happens if the credit card companies won’t be so nice to him? Well, exactly what any true libertarian would say: the government will bail me out!

btc-gone-all-gone2


Unreal.

Buttcoin

Buttcoin pizza

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Bitcoiners absolutely love their pizza, probably more than Cheetos and Mountain Dew. The first Bitcoin purchase was a pizza (trading Bitcoins for real money for pizza, of course, nobody actually accepts Bitcoin,) and it comes up again and again, along with less appealing food like dried strawberries or frightening beef jerky.

Now you, too, can throw your fake money away for greasy cardboard at the first Bitcoin pizza proxy service. Pay PizzaForCoins.com a stack of digital Pogs and they’ll convert it to actual money, call your local Domino’s (no good pizza joints allowed,) and order you a pile of cheese and questionable toppings. It will only take an extra twenty or thirty minutes to process the Bitcoin payment and have some random person read and convey your order (maybe even accurately!)

I’m not actually going to try to order a cheap pizza via Buttcoiner, so I’ll just assume there’s no option to tip your driver.

Stated elsewhere, “[t]he site does not disclose if it is intended to be a profit-earning enterprise.” It’s Bitcoin, so it’s nothing but pure 10% profit!

Amazon introduces not-Bitcoins

Buttcoin

Amazon introduces not-Bitcoins

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Yesterday Amazon.com announced the “Amazon Coin,” a virtual currency to be used to make in-app purchases and more on their Kindle Fire platform. Bitcoiners, of course, are seething with jealousy, since Amazon is a name that’s actually trusted and isn’t involved with shady black markets that are facing increased attention from police.

AmazonButtcoin

One Bitcoiner almost gets it:

So, it’s just like paying with your credit card the way you do now, except more complicated, involves you paying more than what you actually need to buy, forces you to trust someone else to hold on to your money, and gives you coins that you can’t sell back, which are completely useless outside of Amazon. Is it just me, or does this seem like a totally useless idea that misses all the points of having a virtual currency?

They are so close to understanding…

Bitcointip: automated panhandling

Buttcoin

Bitcointip: automated panhandling

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“Bitcointip” is a bot written for reddit through which users can “tip” others by entering a sort of command in a comment reply. Agree with what someone says in your favorite misogynistic subreddit and clicking the little orange up arrow isn’t enough? Tip them for it!

This thing is obnoxious as all Hell for a number of reasons:

Bitcoiners are tightwads.

If one scans through the comment history of the bot, each response includes the amount of the “tip” in Bitcions and in USD. Most of these are fractions of Bitcoins and a pattern quickly becomes apparent: Bitcoiners are just throwing change at one another. This is like the world’s largest street corner, with hundreds of babbling, shouting lunatics spewing nonsense, empty coffee cups at their feet awaiting a “donation.”

Bitcoin tips: pennies

It’s spammy as hell.

Instead of agreeing and possibly discussing things, Bitcoiners can just type “+bitcointip” along with some infinitesimal number and then the bot comes along to reply to them, informing the world that this person did in fact give a handful of pennies to another person in Internet play money. On a good (read: bad) day this can lead to a string of inane comments, making reddit an even worse place to be.

It’s pointless.

Trading cardboard cutouts of coins isn’t so bad as long as it’s kept in the basement of Bitcoin-related forums but Bitcoiners are hiding everywhere, trying to proselytize. Imagine, for a moment, that you read and participated in discussions at reddit (an awful proposition, but bear with me here.) You’re discussing a film or a funny picture or world news and say something others find insightful, funny, or any other number of slashdotesque adjectives. Most people would just upvote you and possibly agree, but Bitcoiners drive-by and spam “+bitciontip” and some penny amount. You don’t have a wallet. You don’t even know about Bitcoin. In an effort to understand what just happened, you read up on it a bit and find yourself staring into the abyss of a raging libertarian Hellscape. Fortunately you can just ignore it. Unfortunately if you do this, they get their “money” back.

They’re trying to spread it.

This is like the curse of Bitcoin. It can’t remain in its niche, it must spread and absolutely everyone in the world must know and be forced to use Bitcoin. There’s already one on twitter, and if they had their way, it would be all over Facebook, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Google+ (not really, nobody actually uses g+.)

Bitcoins everywhereYes, clearly. Aside from being tied to Bitcoin.

Bitcoin community spotlight: johnniewalker

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Bitcoin community spotlight: johnniewalker

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Let’s set aside some time today to get to know one of the outstanding members of the Bitcoin community a bit better. In the spotlight today is one johnniewalker, whose entrepreneurial spirit is an inspiration to all of us.

He introduces himself with the following:

I’m johnniewalker! I’m interested in conducting business in the marketplace section. I have a variety of goods I’m interested in and will have an ever-changing supply of goods to offer. Primarily (as you may have guessed by my name) I am interested in brewerania, rare alcohol, foreign alcohol, etc. If you are looking for anything along those lines, I’m your man! Nice to meet everyone 🙂

After this he goes about becoming part of the community, discussing whatever it is that Bitcoiners discuss. He doesn’t waste too much time though, getting down to business, offering Cuban rum, brass knuckles (never used!) cigars, and cans of pepper spray of questionable origin. This isn’t where johnniewalker shines though. You see, our intrepid friend here happens to be an amateur metallurgist, smelting his own silver ingots at home. In his back yard. on his patio covered with flammable things.

This wonderful video series came about as a result of a conflict with the questionably named AfricanHunter, who had purchased one of the “ingots” and found it to be lacking in quality. You see, johnniewalker sold tiny silver bars of what he assumed to be .99 silver but just in case he was wrong, he sent along an actual silver coin, so everything’s all good! AfricanHunter, however, was unimpressed and had the silver professionally assayed, finding that it was between .925 and .88 pure. This led to a demand for a refund or replacement and a patented Bitcointalk meltdown, Bitcoiners chose sides, and eventually AfricanHunter gave up because it had become clear that he’d been scammed.

Our new friend johnniewalker wasn’t done there, however, and after this flameout, he returns to selling old coins, contraband, and random useless junk. He’s then struck with inspiration, and is buying Bitcoin-related domain names, then marking them up four to five times actual registration costs and selling them to suckers for their hard-“earned” digital currency:

ezbitcoin.com
ezbitcoins.com
bitcoinwallbit.com
littlebitcoin.com
bit-ches.com
defiat.com
justabitcoin.com
onlyforabitcoin.com
abitlit.com
abtcoin.com
rightcoin.com
ritecoin.com
ritecoins.com
easylitecoins.com
warmwallet.com

“Warm wallet.” Eww. The mess of useless domains above is his newest plan to get rich, along with the (likely fake) Cuban cigars, pepper spray, Bitcoin bills, and lumpy chips of impure silver. He may seem like just another clueless, metal hoarding libertarian, but he’s on his way up Up UP! and you’ll definitely want to keep an eye on him as he takes the Bitcoin world by storm, or at least until he earns a “SCAMMER” tag on the forums and has to re-register to hide his shame.

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