The Greatest (Bitcoin) Movie Never Made

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry/ Reddit

The Greatest (Bitcoin) Movie Never Made

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There is an incredible thread on r/Bitcoin right now on how Bitcoin clearly isn’t catching on through its 1 documentary, so the cult should spread the ‘Coin to fiction. Specifically movies, or, to, be more specific, heist movies.

THIS IS THE BEST BITCOIN IDEA, EVER. They could do so many “Based on a True Story”-type movies, because Bitcoiners, as a community, have been scammed and stolen from countless times. I don’t even need to list examples like Mt. Gox or MintPal, just Google “Bitcoin Stolen”, and you get a list as long as long as pi.

A user on BitcoinTalk has posted a list of Bitcoin Heists since 2010. It was so big, they had to start a new thread due to character limits. Buisness Insider says based on the evidence presented by these lists (Which we’re going to assume is credible, since we’ve established these people don’t fuck around with their precious ‘Coin), over 818,485.77 BTC was stolen, estimated at $500+ Million Dollars.

By their estimates, that means 1 out of every 16-17 BTC is owned by someone who stole it.

Do you know what an awesome movie that could potentially be? The currency of the future: Stolen. Liam Neeson is: The Collector. Christmas 2014. Awesome.

Or it would have been, had the Ed Wood’s of the web not decided to take the cool factor out of the heist and replaced it with the following pitches:

procabiak
How about a 300,000 bitcoin BIP38 private key embedded onto a $50,000 diamond?

That’s redundant. Next.

tenthirtyone1031
Spoiler: They used multisig. The paper wallet was broken in to pieces and held by X number of people around the world. Two different groups are racing to collect the pieces. No one knows how many signatures they need. After three failures the cold wallet locks forever.

So a mix of the cell phone bits of Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia and Chandler Bing’s idea to separate his newborn twins in the Friends finale? What a weird concept. We’ll pass, but talk to Jodorowsky.

escapevelo
So weird that I had this idea today too when I woke up this morning, albeit, with a different script idea. My script was based around a developer that creates an app that allows him to create anonymous bounties to get anything done in the real world. The bad guys are chasing him, but the app allows him to stay one step ahead of them by paying anonymous strangers to do tasks.

So Roger Ver’s new “Bitcoin Bounty Hunter” thing. Or alleged Silk Road mastermind Ross Ulbright’s alleged murder plot. Honestly, that’s decent, but not original. Next.

jcoinner
It should be story of some guys who break in and steal the private key for the FBI $130 million address. Months of planning and reconnaissance, daring social engineering, hi-tech gadgetry and zero day exploits. But wait, Jack Bauer is on the scene and all is lost until he is convinced to join the team and thwart the evil FBI agents who are about to sell the key to a Russian hacker for 10% (in unrelated coins). The team gets the key and away but before they have a chance to sweep the coins Jack has divert them to an African charity outfit “and they’re gone”…

What is it with these guys and “Social Engineering”. I swear I’m doing an article someday on how truly awful they are at it. Also, Jack Bauer is a trademarked character. You can’t use him. I know you can understand that. And why would Jack give the coins to an “African Charity Outfit”. And what’s a “Charity Outfit”? And what $130 FBI address? A Bitcoin Address? Their physical address is worth $130 Million?

This is probably the first movie “Best of the Worst” could just read and critique, without even needing to see the movie.

And, to be clear, the plot here is a highly skilled team breaks into the FBI, a highly secure area with the potential of being shot on sight, and steal millions with their hi-tech gear. Sound familiar?

Next.

The_Evil_Within
If we’re going to crowd-fund this, we should (obviously) raise the funds in Dogecoin. (I hope the meta-humour aspect is obvious…)

Oh yeah! Ha! I get it! Obviously!

I’d say suspense/comedy loosely based on the MtGox story. Except you need a physical break in aspect to the heist, and probably some kind of special government strike force in play at the same time.

A Suspense Comedy? The hell is that? And based on Mt. Gox? Mt. Gox wasn’t a heist, it was a tragic case of incompetence gone unchecked in the libertarian utopia. A heist movie based on that would not be related to the Mt. Gox tragedy story at all! Its like comparing Edward Penishands to Alice in Wonderland: Sure, they have that Tim Burton connection, but one is a porno, and the other is a kids movie! They’re two completely different things, barely hanging by a single thread.

Edward Penishands

Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do…

A “Suspense Comedy” based on Mt. Gox is an oxymoron, like “Jumbo Shrimp” or “Successful Long-Term Bitcoin Investment”. Next.

n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3
Just get me a GoPro and ill make it!

Y’know, I looked up this guy on YouTube, and nothing. Did a Google Video search, and found this pro-marijuana site. Turns out his only video experience is commenting this on a video:

N1nja

Do an Image search on his name, and its marijuana everything. In short, he’s a stoner without a camera. Considering Bitcoin’s development history, he’s perfect! Get on it, N1nj4!

Perish_In_a_Fire
Plot twist: At the end, when the police get the paper wallet, the owners transfer their bitcoins to another offline wallet, making the physical paper worthless.
In Hollywood terms, they’d make the balance shrink to zero dramatically with a sound effect.

Problem: Explaining that plot twist to an audience that has no idea what Bitcoin is would take so long, the only suspense that would be in the theater is the guy who falls asleep, then wakes up suddenly when the seat in front of him squeaks loudly. PUT SOME WD-40 ON YOUR SEATS, EDWARDS 21 IN BOISE, ID. I WANT TO TAKE A NAP DURING TRANSFORMERS 4.

By the way, the sound effect of “The Balance Shrink” would be this:

Also, this thread explains a lot about the Bitcoiner’s mindset: There is no main plot they are all “Crowdsourcing”. Its just adding “Plot Twist” onto “Plot Twist”. They are just looking for the reward, and not doing the work themselves. Explains a lot, actually.

ilhaguru
The blockchain needs its “THE MATRIX” movie moment.

What the fuck was the Matrix’s “Movie Moment”? When it got inducted into Guinness Book of World Records? When research papers popped up around it?  When it made a Billion globally? When it made $2B globally? When it made $2.5B globally? When Larry (Sorry, Lana) Wachowski became Lana Wachowski? Exactly what and when did “The Matrix” have its “Movie Moment”?

And what good would a “Blockchain” movie be in a post-Matrix world? It’d be seen as a ripoff, and lose all of its money. Next.

yaginuma
I want to see Zack Galifianakis digging for a hard drive in a garbage dump.

Again, there’s just the reward, but no context or set up. There is no work here. Its just a cool reward he’d like to get to, ASAP. In fact, the only fleshed out plot and Buttcoin Award recipient for weirdest fucking movie pitch so far is from this guy who is seriously violating Poe’s law with his post:

crap_punchline
Hackers 2: Bitcoin Boogaloo

Directed by M. Night. Shywhatever

Soundtrack by Skrillex

Plot: A group of young hackers lead by notorious nude celebrity photo hacker “[email protected]” (played by Shia LaBeouf) discover Bitcoin and use it to hack the Government Infastructure Business Security Ordnance Network (GIBSON) in order to take down the Fed and reboot the finance system with the currency, but all of their Bitcoins get hacked by a paedophile terrorist called “Reddit0r” (played by Dustin Diamond), so they embark on a mission to infiltrate a costume convention using the youngest member of their hack crew, a 9 year old transgendered video game champion, to lure Reddit0r into a sex sting trap on a show called To Catch A Reddit0r, where he is caught red handed (literally with his hand down a child’s pants) and is forced to surrender the Bitcoins but then they all die in a surprise Coen Brothers inspired twist ending.

Edward Penishands

Left here, without comment.

In the beginning of the Reddit post, the OP asked for a producer. Well, believe it or not, I worked at, then ran a public access TV studio in Boise, ID for 3 years. And I can say this with 100% certainty: all these pitches are incomplete messes, and the one almost-developed pitch would only work as a porno, because of the level of lame parody in it.

Noted Film Critic Mike Stoklasa once said

Movies are a blend of art and business.

That basically means movies are half artistic, as in writing, acting, set design, props, directing, lighting, etc., and business, or pitch meetings, budgets, balance sheets, revenue streams, monetization through merchandise and trademarking, etc.

From the failures I’ve seen, both here and in the Bitcoin community as a whole, no Bitcoin movie will ever come from this. That’s probably why the one forum is “BitcoinTalk”, and not “BitcoinAction”, because all these people do is talk, but never do. The most they will ever get from film or TV is that brief plot point in the cancelled FOX series “Almost Human“:

What a bunch of dickhands.

I am a journalist by trade. I also enjoy pistachios.

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2 Comments

  1. Damian P.
    October 23, 2014 @ 9:57 am

    I’d love to see a Bitcoin movie, especially the hour-long scene where main character is waiting for confirmations.

    Reply

    • killhamster
      October 23, 2014 @ 10:04 am

      he could spend that hour mumbling the John Galt speech to himself.

      Reply

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