The greatest buttcoin story ever told

No commentary for this one.

2 days ago I was delivering a USB stick with an GPG encrypted wallet to a customer for exchange. I wanted to do the delivery the next morning when I was going be in their part of town anyway but the customer insisted they needed it right away and I kinda owed them the favor of an after midnight delivery to the nightclub they worked at. No biggie, I’d couriered other packages to them there so I thought it was cool. Plus, they were gonna let me slide another week on a payment I owed them.

Anyway, the parking lot was full and I had to find a spot around the corner in the underground parking lot of a nearby business. I’ve blown too much money in that club on booze and women and squandered lots more on pool games, so to remove all temptation I left my wallet in my car and headed out with just my keys and the USB stick in my pocket. Because the street level is reserved for emergency vehicles and monthly paid parking, I had to go down two levels to find a spot. I parked near the elevators and noticed a couple of shady dudes hanging out near the stair well on the other side of the garage, smoking blunts and throwing bones. Oh, well, I’ll only be a minute. wallet and ride should be fine I think as I head to the elevators. I can prolly get one of the bouncers to walk back with me and the bundle I’ll be taking for the BTCs.

Turns out, the elevators are shut off that late at night. I gotta walk past the guys rolling dice at the stairs who are polite enough to tell me they shut the elevators off at 11pm as keep a brisk pace for the stairs.

About half-way up to the exit, through the long echoing concrete stairwell, I hear the more bleary-eyed of them asking in loud drunken slur what I’m doing in here this late and then something like “yeah let’s check it out”….I can hear them coming up the stairs.

I panicked. If I had my wallet on me I might be able to bribe them off with the $100 or so that’s in it, but all I’ve got on me is my keys and this USB stick that’s worth close to 10 large and my customer getting antsy at the other end. I start running for the next flight of stairs to the alley exit….when fuck me if one fast little bastard hasnt made it all the way around and is coming through the door above me with 2 more coming from below.

I knew they would shake me down and I had visions of them stealing the USB or worse, smashing it rage because I didnt have the blow or cash or whatever they were hoping to find. I didnt know what to do but I knew I had to do it fast….I swallowed the USB.

It barely made it down and was gagging me as it tried to make it’s way back up….they didnt know what to think. I think they thought I was having a seizure or something and just split as I stood there clutching the handrail and spewing out gobs of stringy spit as the jagged USB stick kind just hung there in what felt like the middle of chest.

Anyway…to make a long story short, I finally made it into the bar and had to belt down a couple of beers while I told my customer to fuck off for making me come out here so late with such a shitty neighborhood around. I told him he could have his BTC once it passed and that there’d be an extra 10% if that didnt happen before Wednesday.

The problem is, it hasnt passed. I’ve been shitting into my bathtub and put a big screen over the drain to catch the USB while washing it all down, but nothing. I’m fucking sick of Total cereal and prunes and had enough coffee to keep an interstate truck driver awake for 2 days. Nothing. I’m starting to worry the stick is dissolving inside me at this point.

I went to the emergency room and told them I think I swallowed something bad but didnt say what. maybe a battery or something. They took 5 hours to decide to take xrays and….nothing. They gave me some laxative and said to check back with my regular doctor.

I’m so screwed. The customer thinks I’m lying to him and the guy who I’m delivering for is equally sure I’m fucking him over. At this point if I dont get the 500BTC to my customer in the next 3 days I’m not going to have an ass to shit anything out of.

Can anyone please help me?