The ABCs of Bitcoin

Buttcoin

The ABCs of Bitcoin

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A is for the ancaps, deluded though they are
B is for Bruce Wagner, and little boys afar

C is for cryptography, a cool thing wasted here
D is for DAD, FUCK YOU, knock when you come near

E is for electric bills and unkempt nests of cables
F is for furries and their awful dog dick tables

G is for graphics cards, using watts of juice
H is for heat, it’s all that they produce

I am for bitcoins, I swear they’re in demand
J is for journalists, who just don’t understand

K is for kilos of drugs bought in a flash
L is for laughter from stores who prefer cash

M is for MtGox, subject to Japan’s laws,
N is for this news, which is good because

O is for O-stock, where fleshlights sold out from
P is for pedos, who love the little ones

Q is for Quebec, with cheaper electricity
R is for Reddit, our fine community

S is for scammer tag, for those very misleading
T is for the tumblers, ignoring victims’ pleading

U is for unconfirmed, you’re holding up the lines
V is for Voorhees, he’s running from the fines

W is for wackos who preach Bitcoin creed
X is for X-rays their brains probably need

Y is for YOSPOS where laffchains bring mirth
Z is for zero: what Bitcoin is worth.

Thanks to Lansdowne, flakeloaf, Dixie Cretin Seaman, haveblue, and AlbieQuirky

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry/ Crime

Mt. Gox’s MagicalTux is back, oblivious as ever

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After months of silence following the totally unexpected and catastrophic collapse of the Magic: the Gathering Online eXchange, its CEO Mark Karpeles (AKA MagicalTux) has returned to the internet, posting on Twitter about PHP, yakisoba, and the Tokyo subways. It’s some pretty mundane stuff, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to return to a somewhat normal life in glorious Nippon.

Everybody whose shit was pushed in by the invisible hand, however, doesn’t want him to forget his follies and are intent on reminding him that they threw thousands of dollars away “investing” in an unstable proof of concept created by an anonymous libertarian. Read on for a lengthy gallery of people who have made terrible decisions:

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The Bitcoin Bowl

Buttcoin/ Editorial

The Bitcoin Bowl

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Bitcoin fans rejoice! The once prestigious, ranked 39th out of 40 Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl in St. Petersburg, Florida, is now known as the Bitcoin bowl, thanks to the VC-funded, “we don’t have a business model” Bitcoin company Bitpay, who spent a whole $375,000 to sponsor the college bowl game for three years. No, this isn’t a desperate cry for legitimacy after Dogecoin sponsored NASCAR’s Josh Wise and sent him rocketing to weird internet stardom.

Naturally, some of the rules of college football will have to change to reflect the Bitcoin community’s values and standards. Thankfully, my awful pals at the SA forums have been more than happy to make some suggestions:

MORE CURLY FRIES:

put all the scores in the blockchain

MORE CURLY FRIES:

all plays take a ten minute break while everyone watching decides whether they agreed with what they saw

TVarmy:

i really hope they implement a tipping system at the game, where people in the stands pelt the players with quarters.

duTrieux.:

anybody who purchases at least 51% of all tickets gets to decide how the game ends

mr Scoop:

when scoring a touchdown players need to remember to pay the score transaction fee so the points will be confirmed before the end of the game

MORE CURLY FRIES:

instead of having players sent off the field for professional misconduct they must wear a special RULE BREAKER shirt so other players know not to do sport with them

FrozenVent:

25 points are awarded every 10 minutes

theflyingorc:

Halftime scheduled for Pattaya Thailand

Several field goals are orphaned

Field can only handle a maximum of 7 players at a time

haveblue:

clever coach sneaks sticker with team name into ref’s logbook, team credited with every touchdown that season

Chum Scandal:

players encouraged to remove pads and helmet to avoid overheating

bisticles:

The scoreboard is just a listing of every point scored by every team in every sport since the beginning of time

duTrieux.:

there are no referees, but there is a wiki

Ye olde bit coines

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry

Ye olde bit coines

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What if the Bitcoin economy and community had existed in a different time? The SA forums goons took it upon themselves this weekend to explore this alternate history and what might have been.

Parallel Paraplegic starts things out with this:

People here are always pointing out how Bitcoin is all the lessons learned over the last thousand years about why we have protections and the economy that we have in fast forward, but I don’t even think some peasant living a thousand years ago would be as bad at money as some of the things I’ve seen Bitcoiners do.

Mammon Loves You immediately responds with this:

Lost all my wheat, Depressed, Pointless rant (self.Barter)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah6969

Last harvest I put all my wheat in the back of my wagon and then I went into town to trade the wagon for a pig but I forgot about all the wheat in it. So angry at myself right now.

Orange Sunshine won’t be fooled again!

Jebediah Miller is a scoundrel!

He has sworn that for every bushel of corn lent to him, he would return 3 bushels by week’s end. All were led to believe that he would plant this corn and that, by some method not disclosed, his farm would produce a plentiful bounty for everyone. But instead he and his family have grown fat eating our corn, and have done no farming whatsoever! I have given over to his trust the bulk of my farm’s production this year, and I know not how I will survive the upcoming winter.

Feinne has been spotted nailing theses in odd places

I petitioned for a sign proclaiming him a cad to be affix’d ‘pon his door but he merely exchanged his ill-gotten corn to the local lord to have it removed!

Splicer was found unconscious and gibbering next to a mining rig

Deal not with Butterfly Stables! (self.Horses)

submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah420

In return for a princely sum we were promised their finest dray-horse for January gone. This November morning I received what is mine; a nag of a horse worked near to death farming their own fields!

Pictures of my sweet farming rig! (self.FarmHacks)

submitted 6 hours ago by DryberryFarms

<crude woodcut of three ploughs nailed together vertically, all pulled by a single goat>

I have been feeding him naught but paraffin to improve his humors. Working well so far, some overheating.

QuarkJets must have used a cheap Chinese goose

I traded my donkey for a goose that lays golden eggs. The salesman said that you have to keep feeding it all of your food or else it will get jealous and lay no eggs at all. I keep feeding this accursed goose and it just honks loudly at me and never lays any eggs. After a few weeks of this my family was starving so I gave my son a crust of bread and the goose burst into flame, burning down my house.

Paladinus was spotted later lamenting the loss of his horse pictures

‘Tis come to my attention that some of you doubt the method behind alchemy. To this I say unto you the following. Times upon times have I been able to buy potions and black magic spells with the gold I’ve created through alchemic processes, a feat impossible with coins minted by the King. Before I was under close examination of inquisition, but now I have no fear for my life. If it is not a proof enough for you, you damn yourself with your own ignorance.

happyhippy will sell you a sack of unsigned royal contracts for cheap

So I met the dasterdly scoundrel round the back side of the local inn. In the stable area.
He was unkempt of hair and had a cheese like aroma to him, specially from his hands.
Before we could haggle for a good price of mine coines, he began to verse virtuous on not to sell them!
He said that rather selling to him, instead invest it with him in an adventure he proposed.
“An automatic coine exchange machine place in every inn and rest house!” I exclaimed.
“But good sir, who shall feed the ferrets in each contraption?!” I retorted.
The answer was not forthcoming. I cussed under my breath and walked away knowing he had no inclination to buying mine buottcoines.

Mammon Loves You could have been saved if only there were still SCAMMER placards

After becoming suspicious at the number of eggs that the trader “William” was willing to exchange for half a skinned rabbit I followed him home only to discover he is naught but a golem created from straw and clay by the moneylender Ephraim.

OwlBot 2000 is a serial smith-entrepreneur and will speak at your cathedral for a fair bit of gold

Hath not men of Reason found intrinsic Value to be without sense and without vigor? Foode is deare only by virtue of its Scarceness, and like may be said of all things in Nature; for Scarceness is the fount from whiche Value flows.

Powered Descent reminds us that there have always been libertarians

Bugger thee; I hath mine own.

Herman Merman was caught kissing the Reverend Dimmesdale behind a barn

Of late it seems like a great deluge of charlatains and conny-catchers hath afflicted our towne market.
How shall an honest yeoman tell curs and blackguardes apart from righteous menne, and not be unjustly parted from his buttecoines?
Mayhap we could add a scarlet lettering of some kynde beneath their likenesses.

thiswayliesmadness lives up to his name

I hath the idea to begin upon my greatest venture ever: A grand tourney for all the Lords and Ladies of the land to attend. There will be 25 different varieties of Punch and Judy shows for the urchins to partake, and my neighbor agreed to lend 3 of his mules for the knights to ride on. All I require from you is 3 wagons of lumber to hammer into the stands to make my dream come true. If I get enough donations I will hire this bard whom claims his ballads shall end the Great Crusades and bring about peace to all of his Majesty’s kingdom.

And finally, Jalumibnkrayal has big plans to match his big appetite and small mind

Goode day to all Christian persons read-ing this.

I most humbly request a king’s ransom of gold should be bequeath-ed to myself for mine purpose of rais-ing the Hub Barn of Rochelle in the Land of Wild Onions, so heathen named. Tis fallen in shameful disrepair as no men of God have lent hand or hoof to restore’t. I am no sickwaddle, and having work-ed on the lands of Ray D’Oshack, am willing to stipend half my living wages to this endeav-or. Tis not enough! We are still needed Thirty-Five times Ten-Thousand coins of kingsmark.

Moneys all needed for deeding mineself to hold title royal suff-icient to own this land and new barkeep sundries, as list-ed herein:

Five-foote bubble-watre fountain table.
Four-feete wooden boxe with fine latche and copper fittings.
One-and-one-half-foote pits dug for dumping of trash and night-soils.
One metal flat boarde, warm-ed underneath with burn-ing dung.
Thousandes of drink-ing bowles of diff’rent size and shape, all pleasing to God’s eyes.
Bavarii meat stick cook-er.
Bavarii meat stick bark powder.
Thousandes Bavarii meat stick metal twiggs.
Sweetsap spinning wheel, manned by those of befuddled mind.
Thousands drams of sweetsap and papers for gripp-ing.
Ye Tiny Wytches Bath, so made for browning of meats in hotoil.
Sundry devices for eating hotted cattle grains.
Clever Barnaby’s Bubble-Watre Fountain, a magni-ficent product of tubes of bent brass, piping noises and sully tank. Rotting fishes placed in tank do produce noxious vapors to travel through tubes and into tasty Bubble-Watres for drinking.
Five-gallones plagueman’s pepper concoction.
Five-gallones amber tincture of His Royal Crowne.
Five-gallones syrups of lemon and Orbs De Hispania.
Five-gallones lemon juices and blood.
Five-gallones grape-fruit novel-ty sweetsip.
Hub Barn itself.
Enough rugs such that no bare foot can touche God’s earth.
Engel Epson, man of loude yell-ing to talk about the pictures in the front of the barn.
Various jars of oils, spices, and ferments to place upon cook-ed Bavarii meats.
One eunuch, with iron hipbox for collection of moneyz from all who enter.
One raven, train-ed to bring creditte slips to local cave of hasids.
One firebox.
Enough boulders and haybales such that any Christian might sit and rest.
One firebox for make-ing papist pies.

To any Whom would ask WHY SHALL I ENTER INTO THIS BARN WHENCE I HAVE ONE OF MINE OWN?

Long-travelled from the Celestial-worshipping Orient, we have drawings of the Bear In the Hat, who did Travel the World in his Sky-chariot!

NO HASIDS OR MUSSELMEN.

Bitcoiner or cult leader?

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry/ Crime

Bitcoiner or cult leader?

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While it’s fun (and accurate) to compare the Bitcoin community to a cult, how well can you, our loyal readers, tell the two apart? Inspired by this absurd post on Twitter, we started wondering.

Following are a selection of quotes, either from the leader of a dangerous (or harmless, in some cases) cult, or from a random bitcoiner who has been selected from a massive pool of dangerous sociopaths. See if you can figure out which is which without cheating via search engine:

1: You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.

2: My whole life I have suffered from poverty and have faced many disappointments and pain, like a man is used to. That is why I want to make other people happy.

3: This is a warning that if any of you attempt to kill me, all you will do is prove my reality right. In which that moment I would gain supernatural abilities.

4: We have to relearn, reprogram our brains… the method to do so is to observe if the thought comes and analyze it and replace it then with a better one.

5: If many people listen to me, that’s not my choice, it is theirs and they make it because of how I speak, not despite of it.

6: Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story

7: MAKE MONEY. MAKE MORE MONEY. MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PRODUCE SO AS TO MAKE MORE MONEY.

8: There is something to the Jewish lobby. They definitely wield large influence. They, like many others wield great power in the world.

9: The democratic world has come to a dead end; likewise, the communist world has come to a dead end.

10: Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Because in this case the cure is worse than the supposed disease.

11: We need a political organization to protect us and help us resist illegal governments.

12: Yes, we are in a transitional period and some of it might not be too pleasing to some, but to those who understand, it will be pleasing.

13: There is no direct profit for the church itself. But we have many prophets.

14: Okay, here’s an individual who says, “I will break away from the world.” Now breaking away from the world is not easy. It’s difficult. It’s tough.

15: Reason is man’s main means of survival. Force is bad because it is anti reason and therefore anti man.

16: Up to this point everything I had learned seemed ideological and somewhat abstract, but I felt the need to point out these truths to others.

After the break we’ll provide the answers.

Bitcoin-charlie Read More

Bitcoin community spotlight: Logansryche

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry/ Editorial

Bitcoin community spotlight: Logansryche

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Enterpreniur

Few Bitcoin stories are as enduring and as entertaining as that of perpetual loser Logansryche, one of the least successful bitcoiners out there. From failed virtual businesses to failed real businesses to failed business ideas, he embodies the true spirit of Bitcoin.

He was well known for being one of the “best” ideas guys out there, starting with his past business experience: a now defunct Second Life animal shelter. He would take in abandoned virtual pets, virtually feed them, and find them new virtual homes with virtual owners. This ended predictably, with all the fake animals starving to death in Videoland. This somehow qualified him to run more advanced and profitable businesses, such as BitCard, his online gift card store, but with Bitcoin! BitCard, originally hosted on some shady free webhost, was to supply not only a wide array of retail gift cards, but collectible trading cards as well, such as rare (not actually rare) Pokémon cards, baseball cards, and of course, Magic: the Gathering cards.

logansryche-frzKD

He had high hopes for his little store, keeping people updated at the Bitcoin forums, where nobody paid much attention except to tell him to buy a real domain instead of using what was probably an open relay filled with Russian spammers. After mooching off a friend to buy a real domain, he finally set up thebitcardstore.com, where he first sold (didn’t sell) trading cards, and then added gift cards. The site was plagued with issues that he never really fixed, such as “being able to purchase things” or “staying open.”

In the meantime, he advertised his services as a “developer” and offered to set up stores for other Captains of Industry. His first (and only) customer reported a less-than-stellar experience. Logansryche claimed to have worked on things for a grueling seven hours, only to have nothing to show for it. Once his customer discovered that nothing worked correctly, Logansryche demanded an additional payment to fix it. In his defense, “Bravenet uploads files in chunks under 30mb externally, it took… 3 1/2 hours to upload Open Cart and 2 modules” which allegedly weighed in at 100 MB. He knows how long it took because he marked down each attempt to upload on a Post-It note on his monitor, so everyone knows. Insisting that the initial prepayment was a gift, he demanded more money for doing nothing, in typical Bitcoin fashion. Eventually his customer offered him a fraction of a Bitcoin because he “did his best.” Logansryche continued to blame everyone else for his shortcomings.

26106_413351166211_7070400_n

At some point Logansryche decided that he desperately needed a 1994 Ford Explorer, because only that particular year’s model could put up with his hard driving (total and complete lack of maintenance.) So he cooked up various ridiculous money making schemes which, as expected, ultimately failed. One such scheme was selling electronics. By electronics we mean he literally pulled a bunch of components from old PC motherboards and tried to sell each one individually. For the parts that weren’t pried loose with pliers, he was using a small blowtorch to melt the solder and singe the parts themselves. In his own words, “they smell something awful”. When this failed, he went back to hawking gift cards at 70 to 100% markup. When this was pointed out, he blamed some script and now every card is marked up ten percent, which just happens to always equal two dollars. “Do some math yeesh.”

After picking a few fights on the forums, he was called out as a scammer after failing to deliver the one gift card he ever managed to sell. Bitcointalk user cablepair bought a ten dollar card, and mentioned that he needed it quickly. Logansryche didn’t deliver, since he himself had to purchase the card (now a code) from some other retailer and was beyond broke. cablepair requested a refund and was rebuffed several times, eventually only providing the funds after borrowing them from his girlfriend. This marked the end of the BitCard store.

It was then that internet detectives dug up some hilarious dirt on the guy, including his unhealthy love of Disney’s The Jungle Book spinoff TaleSpin and his sad attempt to petition Disney to hand over the rights to the show to him, so he and a bunch of other amateur manchildren could make new episodes. When told that this was an unrealistic goal, he threw a tantrum and eventually gave up.

2252210_2

The failed store, escrow services, hours-long uploads, and tantrums were nothing compared to his grandest plans: to buy the derelict Hub Theater in Rochelle, IL and turn it into a wonderland of Bitcoin, soda, and every film imaginable. This was amazing on so many levels, as his lack of planning, comprehension, and business acumen came together to create a huge, beautiful trainwreck. He requested donations totaling $350,000 to completely renovate the theater, focusing primarily on the concession stand and ignoring important things such as parking, fire safety, and the movies themselves. Here is his complete bill of materials:

5? Fountain Drink Counter $579
48? Storage $509 x4
20? Trash Can $415 x2
Topper w/warmer $372 x4
1000 16oz Cups $63
500 32oz Cups $60
500 44oz Cups $68
2k 16oz Cup Lids $61
1k 32oz Cup Lids $40
1k 44oz Cup Lids $41
Corn Dog Fryer $638
Corn Dog Batter $42
1k Corn Dog Skewers $35
Cotton Candy MAchine $495
Cotton Candy Mix $50
1k Cotton Candy Stix $30
Deep Fryer $232
Popcorn Scooper $14
Popcorn Butter $85
20v Fountain Drink Machine $11,000 x2
5gal Diet Dr. Pepper Syrup $67
5gal Dr. Pepper Syrup $67
5gal RC Cola Syrup $67
5gal 7up Syrup $67
5gal Pink Lemonade Syrup $42
5gal Sunkist Orange Syrup $67
5gal Pepsi Syrup $OOS
5gal Diet Pepsi Syrup $OOS
The Hub Theater $175,000
Carpeting need dims
Epson Projector $2,000 x2
Popcorn Popper $958
Hot Dog Steamer $533
Condiment Station $457 x2
Cash Register $200
Credit Card Machine $300
Convection Oven $1,047 x2
Cinema Seats $127,000
16? Pizza Oven $1,574
14? Pizza Oven $1,400
Pretzel Oven $1,400
24×24? Register Counter $275
24×70? Counter $405
Spiral Fry Cutter $458
500 Large #5 Tray $31
50lb bag Popcorn Kernals $35
Popcorn Caramel Glaze $35
Butter Flavored Popcorn Salt $28
5gal Fruit Punch Syrup $51
5gal Hawian Punch Syrup $76
5gal Coke Classic Syrup $122
5gal Barq’s Root Beer Syrup $122
5gal Cherry Coke Syrup $122
5gal Coke Zero Syrup $122
5gal MM Lemonade Syrup $122
5gal Sierra Mist Syrup $OOS

His plans for the rest of the theater’s operations were less thought out. The projectors he’d selected were beyond inadequate, being more suited to a conference room than a theater of any size, and his plans for the films themselves were to obtain DVDs or just stream from Netflix, ignoring copyright and licensing altogether. After being told over and over again that none of this would work, he promptly gave up, his theater dreams unfulfilled. He didn’t resume posting regularly for nearly a year.

sadbumps

Logansryche’s next big business plan was to sell custom made guitar picks, using yet another crappy free website. This is when we learned how the Creative Commons license isn’t actually an alternative copyright option, but allows him to “print any logo [he] wish[es] as long as [he doesn’t] claim copyright to it.” All art, music, literature, and other creative endeavors are free for the taking, as long as you remember to slap a CC logo on it somewhere and don’t claim it as your own. Clearly this is how he would have shown every movie ever in his now-forgotten theater. After being extensively educated on copyright law by a few patient forum posters, he located a cache of royalty-free art. Seventeen days after he began, he had lost interest and moved on to considering purchasing a Sun Microsystems server with money that he didn’t have in order to try Bitcoin mining again.

Catching up with Logansryche today, we find that he’s going to help his cousin become a professional video game player by begging for $3,000 for computer hardware, he’s going to launch an internet TV station about the paranormal, using a the Ghostbusters logo (it’s OK, because Creative Commons!) by begging for $2,000, and he’ll be creating an internet gaming music video channel, also by begging for $2,000. It’s satisfying to note that all three of these are completely unfunded, though he’s kept everyone updated (whether they wanted to know or not) on the status of his pro gaming journey, which is basically “we won a game.”

In addition to this, he’s looking to move from some despondent community in NY to some despondent community in FL:

We are here to attempt to raise money to move from Syracuse, NY to Ornaldo, FL. Our current residency is quickly becoming unlivable. The walls in the bathroom are quickly becoming infested with black mold(which I’m allergic to), the floor in the kitchen have become wavy and the house is generally becoming smaller and smaller by the day. We had an inspector come to the house and he said that the shakes on the outside of the house are asbestos, the porch overhang is ready to fall since the supports were made of metal, and there’s no insulation in the walls anywhere(there’s that crumbly stuff in the attic, but that’s it). We were told by three different contractors that to fix everything would cost over $200,000.00 – Our solution to the matter is to move out of New York and back to Orlando, Florida. I spent eight years there and have a good repitoir with management of Titusville Publix so I would be able to get work there. We found a few properties that would help us achieve our goal.

The first is a property that’s easy to get to from everywhere and costs $90,000 and HOA fees are $500/mo. It’s a 1/1 condo located in Plantation Park. Link

The second is a 2/2 mobil home for in a park for $28,500 and lot rent there is $528 +utilities.

The third is a 3/2 house for sale for $49,900.

Either way we look at it, in addition to these prices, we would need to either rent or buy a box truck and an additional vehicle to drive around in. Before anyone asks, we’re both on SSI and make only enough to cover the mortage, water, electricity, and internet. We’ve cut as much misc money from our budget as we can and it ends up back into the house somewhere. Please help us achieve our goal of $150,000 we would really appreciate it.

Here’s the $49K mansion mentioned above:

And that, save for some minor disgusting personal details, is our very favorite Bitcoiner.

thebitcardstore

Product goes here. Description goes here. Pathetic existence goes here.

 

Radio Free Libertopia

Buttcoin/ Captains of Industry

Radio Free Libertopia

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Inspired by a comment attempting to answer the question of using Bitcoin without internet access, Buttcoin has launched a brief investigation into how Bitcoin might work if the grid were to go down:

shartwave

One of our ham radio pals advised us that “the fastest/most common digital protocol on the ham bands is 300 bps.” That’s right: bits per second. How long would it take to download the Bitcoin blockchain (currently approaching a size of 15 GB) at these rates? After some careful calculation (punching things into Wolfram Alpha) we came to 12.6755 years. But this isn’t the end! Taking into account the estimate that you’d only have acceptable propagation about half a day at best, this time would then double to 25.351 years. Add in an estimated 25% for noise-induced errors and you’re now up to 31.68875 years. Add to this the fact that we are coming off the peak of a 22-year solar cycle and that in approximately 11 years, shortwave communications will be drastically hindered compared to our current transmission ability so it wouldn’t be outlandish to estimate 40+ years for this step alone.

Provided there is uninterrupted power and reception for over forty years and that the cheap radios bitcoiners would by last that long, you can now spend your Bitcoin. Don’t forget to wait for your six confirmations, and watch out for the FCC!

Thanks jonny290 for helping us with this stupid and terrible thought experiment!

Easy Come, Easy Go

Buttcoin/ Crime/ Editorial

Easy Come, Easy Go

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Let’s start the new year off right: with bitcoins! When last we heard from our long-suffering friends, they were waiting for CaVirtEx to complete a transfer to a bank account.

So more stuff on trying to cash out of bitcoins and how “simple” it is.

Virtex responded to my friends ticket, and said yesterday said that the transfer that was fucking requested on the 18th, was cleared. However today my friend’s bank has not received a anything. So he calls them and apparently they can’t deal with this over the phone and will only help him if he puts in a ticket. Even though he pointed out that it takes them a week to respond to tickets.

Also my friend decided to try and just sell 2 of his bitcoins on localbitcoins through their online escrow because apparently people keep telling him e-transfers are safe, because interac e-transfers cannot be reversed! So perfectly safe! Yesterday he accepted an e-transfer and was able to add the money to his account and release the escrow.

Then this morning apparently he was notified by his bank that his account and all associated cards are frozen, and he must come into his local branch and speak to someone. They apparently wouldn’t explain why over the phone. Apparently the person he spoke to had some idea of what bitcoins were (negativeman-55f), and after explaining how he sold them. The guy apparently explained that:

– Selling stuff online and using e-transfer for payment apparently violates some part of interac’s terms of service.
– The e-transfer he accepted was fraudulent so it was reversed (i thought it wasn’t reversible!)
– His account is to be unfrozen but he is permanently banned from ever using e-transfers again

It is funny because all the “low” risk methods of selling on localbitcoins, are terrible that nobody really uses. I love how many people messaged me about how safe localbitcoins are.

Nobody here is shocked in the least. More about the local bitcoin sales and the trustworthy individuals involved with them:

Pretty much all the methods of payment on localbitcoins are ether unsafe, or terrible from what i can tell. The two exceptions are cash (we know how well that worked out), or a cash deposit (pretty massive pain in the ass), which both are pretty inconvient.

However localbitcoins lists some other payment methods, and ranks them on “low”, “medium”, or “high” risk. The low risk includes well known and “trustworthy” payment services like EGOPay, OkPay, and Perfect Money. Ironically there is also Western Union, a service which bitcoiners declared bitcoin will kill off. The funny part is, nobody uses the low risk payment methods really, because they are all a massive pain in the ass.

Pretty much all the people on Localbitcoins (and there really is not very many in Canada, less than 200 including people who have not logged on in a month), want you to use something like e-transfers, wire transfers, paypal, etc. Which are all not safe at all. Since one party can cry fraud and boom, you loose your money and they walk off with the bitcoins. Well obviously the best solution is to let your feedback/reputation dictate if your a scammer or not. I see this everywhere:

quote:
If your LocalBitcoins profile has less than 10 confirmed trades or at least 1 negative feedback then you must send/release Bitcoins first.

quote:
Unless you have a feedback rating of 10 or higher, coins will be sent to me first direct to my receiving address. If you have a feedback of 10 or higher then we may use the escrow system (although I will pay 0.5% more if you send it direct).

quote:
Because of our established credibility, if you have a feedback score below 10 we’ll require the BTC to be sent first, either directly to our receiving address or released via trade request.

emot-smugdog Fuck you pleb, escrow is only for us captains of the industry emot-smugdog

OKPay: Does Localbitcoins even know that OKPay does not allow people to use their service for selling crypto-currencies?

quote:
Please note that due to the card issuer bank restrictions OKPAY Card order and funding becomes impossible if you perform operations related with crypto-currencies or crypto-currencies exchange.

Our financial provider for GBP bank transfers restricts further usage of funds for purchasing or exchanging crypto-currencies.

Link

If you look around there is some nice whining from people that OKPay has cancelled and closed their accounts for selling bitcoins. But you know, its “low risk”.

Perfect Money: A virtual wallet service, that nobody seems to use. You need to make an account, get verified, get the money into your account, then wait 3-5 days for the transaction to be approved they also apparently do not allow you to withdraw all your money in one shot and you must keep a minimum balance of 300$ at all times. Also from what i can gather the only way to send money is by sending someone an e-voucher. There is no way to verify the value of an e-voucher, nor is there a way to reverse it. So of course this means that all the buyers want you to send them the bitcoins first then they will send you the voucher and not disappear. Apparently only 3 people on localbitcoins is willing to use this method.

Ego Pay: Some sort of virtual online wallet service. Requires you to become verified to withdraw money from there. Also there is some really sketchy stuff in their terms and conditions:

quote:
EgoPay reserves the right to terminate accounts that act as unauthorized e-currency exchangers and all of the related accounts.

Would selling bitcoin count as an e-currency exchanger? I don’t know i can’t find a single post about someone using EGOPay. However the single most stupid thing about Ego Pay is:

quote:
EgoPay account holders can withdraw funds from EgoPay by using Payza or e-currency exchangers. Times to complete a withdrawal may vary due to security reasons, please visit our FAQ for current information.

So let me get this straight, Ego Pay doesn’t even let you withdraw money to your bank account. You need to withdraw it to another FUCKING SITE? Don’t forget no fees*(only 2.5% for deposit/withdrawal).

So? Bitcoin -> Localbitcoins -> Ego Pay -> Payza -> Bank -> Fiat

staredog.001

Western Union: Aside from the fact that all of the buyers expect you to be responsible for 7% fee even though they are already paying you much less than the “actual” price (aka whatever exchange has the highest price, bitcoiners claim thats the value of bitcoins). There are only 38 users willing to buy, and only 18 of them have logged into localbitcoins in the last 7 days. Furthermore, some of the buyers will not deal with you for western union UNLESS you send them the coins FIRST. Aka no escrow.

quote:
Unless you have a feedback rating of 10 or higher, coins will be sent to me first direct to my receiving address. If you have a feedback of 10 or higher then we may use the escrow system (although I will pay 0.5% more if you send it direct).

I am sorry i simply cannot trust people on localbitcoins when the entirety of their forum consists of users crying about getting scammed, by people who are supposed to be reputable. I love how bitcoiners dance between “DONT TRUST ANYONE”, to “trust me with your 20,000$ exchange, i swear i won’t scam you cause i have a whole 20 feedback”.

Don’t you guys see how great and simple these “low” risk methods are? Honestly buying and selling bitcoin has never been easier.

Clearly LocalBitcoins could benefit from BitcoinTalk’s big red “SCAMMER” tags. That way you’d know not to send your bitcoins directly to someone’s receiving address before they consider paying you real money for them.

Easy like Sunday morning

Buttcoin/ Editorial

Easy like Sunday morning

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When we last left our intrepid heroes, UberJumper and his nameless (and unlucky) friend, they were meeting random strangers in parking lots and banks, only to be offered sacks full of unactivated Amazon gift cards and rubber checks in exchange for their hoard of early adopter bitcoins. That was weeks ago, and today we’re going to catch up and see how successful they’ve been.

One suggestion that came up over and over again was that they register and confirm their identities with Canadian exchange site CaVirtEx, and cash out there, since Mt Gox has a waiting list that extends into 2015 and other sites are even sketchier. The Canadian Bitcoin ATM is located in another city and wouldn’t be able to handle the volume they’re exchanging. So they finally ended up verified and find themselves halted yet again:

This is awesome. My friend dumps 5 bitcoins on Virtex to sell. Then tries to cash out his monthly max of 3k, and his account is immediately flagged as suspicious and locked. emot-allears

It was then noted that CaVirtEx has excessively sensitive automated ban/warning systems.

We shall see how long it takes for them to respond to him. Considering it already takes a week apparently for them to send the money via wire transfer.

Someone explain to me how this is easier than paypal?

No one could provide an answer, and as time progressed, UberJumper’s frustration grew more and more apparent.

This is fucking retarded. Virtex is apparently so backlogged, the current estimate on getting verified is over a month. In the mean time Virtex holds everything you have on their site hostage.

We have tried to sell butts for the last 2.5 weeks, and we have only sold a grand total of 11 butts (i.e. gotten money for it), on top of this all of those sales came when we were selling for less than half the price.

With the price of bitcoin going up up up, i find it hilarious that trying to actually get something useful out of the stupid internet coins has been so fucking difficult.

Does anyone have an idea of how to cash out?

Yet again, gift cards were brought up.

Gyft doesn’t sell gift cards that work in Canada. Also Ebay does not allow reselling of gift card codes: http://pages.ebay.com/help/policies/gift.html

Resident idiot/troll how!! suggested meeting local weirdos from Craigslist, because he can’t seem to pay attention to the situation at hand.

Isn’t that what localbitcoins is for? We tried that and it was a tedious as fuck process, and we sold almost nothing. We try posting it on Kijiji, and got a single hit. So please tell me where the fuck are these magical people who are jumping over each other to buy bitcoin with cash.

These magical people are all apparently college kids buying weed on Silk Road, which had been closed down for nearly two months by this time. Every “replacement” Silk Road site has turned out to be a honeypot or a scam. how!! is clearly lying, but that was never really in doubt.

In response to yet another fool being parted with his money:

I find it funny that Bitcoin is what 1,000$, yet he is selling for less than half of that.

Tomorrow i get to go with my friend and meet two buyers  emot-allears

Does anyone know if you can go into a bank and have them check a cashiers check to make sure its legit?

The next day:

Ugh went with my friend to meet 2 buyers. Story time  emot-allears

We go to meet the first buyer at a bank, who wanted a 120$ in BTC. He didn’t show up at all, finally we call him and turns out he changed his mind and doesn’t want any after-all. So basically he wasted our time.

Yay

The second buyer was someone who contacted my friend through kijiji, and was interested in buying 25 coins at 500$/coin. We drove our asses out to the starbucks he wanted to meet us at, and fuck. This guy was a captain of industry, all he was missing was a fucking fedora.

He immediately started interrogating us on why we are selling, and lecturing us on how “selling at a low price is damaging the local bitcoin ecosystem”. I pointed out we wanted actual real money, so we can buy stuff with, and i don’t give a fuck about the ecosystem. The buttcoiner then proceeded to ramble on about all the awesome ways you can spend bitcoins, and other stupid shit, but he still wants to buy our coins if we are willing to give him 10 minutes of our time. Fine. He then rambles on and on about bitcoins, and how amazing they are and all sorts of awesome stuff, then rambles on about his personal projects (some sort of bitcoin exchange that is going to make it big).

Finally he shut up, my friend gives him the wallet to show him the amount he is looking for there, he “checks” it. Then announces he is tipping us “0.05 BTC to thank us for hearing him out”.  emot-smithicide

Then tells us he doesn’t have the money, but if we were willing to “invest” 25BTC into his project, we could get a major stake in it. emot-wtc We left right then and there.

My friend is currently gungho on figuring out a way to use bitpay to cash out (which i am pretty sure violates their terms of service, and i have no idea the legality of what could happen there).

Bad gimmick poster My Linux Rig goes the tried and true route, suggesting using an exchange website, which was never ever suggested or even thought of before.

Then please tell me what exchange will deposit money into a Canadian bank account that is not Virtex?

Coinbase? America Only
Mt Gox? My friend has been waiting a month now, and no indication of when he can get any money out. Mt Gox is as transparent as a brick wall with withdrawls.
Bitstamp? Still waiting for verification
CanadianBitcoins? Sketchy as fuck, you send them the coins, they mail you an envelope of cash.

Moving on:

Virtex has denied my friends identity verification and his account is now completely frozen. They give no explanation for what they want, or why it was denied.

emot-allears

Meanwhile, CaVirtEx is very very far behind in their, well, everything:

Total number of verifications outstanding: 1460
Date range we are working on: Nov 23 to Nov 27
Number of staff working: 12 fulltime, 6 part-time
Verifications completed today: 81
Verifications missing info and put into waiting: 92
Outbound Phone Verification calls made: 155
Customer service tickets outstanding: 1,190

The next day, they finally get a response.

Virtex responded to my friends ticket and asked him to resubmit his “correct verification information”. Then outlined vaguely what he needed to submit (which he already submitted), and told him to resubmit.

So another week+ to get verification attempt #2?

When my friend gets fully verified and we dump several hundred coins onto the site, what is going to happen?

The consensus here was “they’ll suspend the account for suspicious activity.”

Still trying, i am guessing the massive drop in price caused 3 of the localbitcoin buyers we were supposed to meet today to cancel.  emot-smith

The entire trying to cashout has been a massive pain in the ass. Virtex declined my friends identity verification, so i registered my self and i am going through the same process as well in the hopes Virtex will unfuck themselves. The entire system is shit. The longer and longer we are forced to wait the less and less likely it seems we will get a ton of money.

Two days later, they finally receive some “good” news.

So my friend gets an email that he is verified at CaVirtex.

Even though they say unlimited withdrawl limit, his user page says a maximum of 6,000$/month withdrawal.

Unless he gets their bitcoin debit card, at which point he can directly convert his BTC to cash through the card. But neither me or him could find anyone actually using the card online and giving their impressions. So he has ordered one, as a means of hopefully expediting the cashout process.

So he submitted a request to withdraw $6,000, from Virtex and we shall see how that goes. 3-5 Days for a money transfer.

The amount of times i have seen bitcoiners say “You can instantly convert BTC to cash”, is such bullshit.

Three days later, everyone who predicted “suspended for suspicious activity” wins! They don’t really win anything, except maybe for some laughs.

What the fuck is wrong with Virtex. Firstly they advertise Unlimited amount Withdrawls if you fully verify with them. When it is actually has a hard limit of 25,000$/month (after calling them and asking).

Then this afternoon they froze my friends account and cancelled the request for withdrawl, and cancelled his sell orders due to “suspicious activity”. We call them get some lady who tells us to submit a ticket, and very bluntly tells us the only way they can help us is through the ticket system.

Yet we already have two tickets open and unanswered from last week.

CaVirtEx is less than helpful here.

3 Days now and no response from virtex about the locked account, i guess i won’t hear anything until Monday at the earliest.

Which is fucking retarded.

Dogecoin happened in the meantime and, despite being a joke, has turned into Bitcoin in fast-forward, which itself was just centuries of economics lessons in fast-forward. Nobody has learned anything from it though.

It has basically been a week now, and his account is still frozen, and i am still waiting on verification.

Also apparently they are not allowing wire transfers for now?

quote:
Dec. 17, 2013, 8:43 p.m. – Debit Card Loads and Wire Transfer Update

The Debit card load procedure is temporarily on hold, we will keep you updated as development occurs. For now, we will decline all your load requests so that the CAD is returned to your balance.
Wire Transfers are scheduled to resume shortly, please wait for an official date before attempting to notify or send.

What the fuck is going on at virtex.

Nearly a week later, this is the last we’ve heard thus far:

Virtex has unlocked my friends account, yay!

Also Virtex has recently added something called “Large withdrawals” which apparently allow you to take out 25k+. Except there doesn’t seem anyway to use this method of withdrawl.

He just requested a withdrawal which takes between 3-5 days, and i shall see if we get anything by 2014.

Happy Boxing Day! Let’s see if anything happens at all or if this story ends with yet another theft/loss. Oh, by the way, it’s probably a bad idea to use LocalBitcoins.

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