About Kill Hamster
Posts by Kill Hamster:
Float like a butterfly, sting like the FTC
Satoshi Hacked!
News from Thermos, king turd of Bitcoin’s various shit mountains:
[email protected] is compromised
Today at 09:06:34 PMToday I received an email from [email protected] (Satoshi’s old email address), the contents of which make me almost certain that the email account is compromised. The email was not spoofed in any way. It seems very likely that either Satoshi’s email account in particular or gmx.com in general was compromised, and the email account is now under the control of someone else. Perhaps [email protected] expired and then someone else registered it.
Don’t trust any email sent from [email protected] unless it is signed by Satoshi. (Everyone should have done this even without my warning, of course.)
I wonder when the email was compromised, and whether it could have been used to make the post on p2pfoundation.ning.com.
The email said:
“Michael, send me some coins before I hitman you.”Not exactly Satoshi’s normal style.
Satoshi Nakamoto replied to Satoshi Nakamoto’s discussion Bitcoin open source implementation of P2P currency
“Dear Satoshi. Your dox, passwords and IP addresses are being sold on the darknet. Apparently you didn’t configure Tor properly and your IP leaked when you used your email account sometime in 2010. You are not safe. You need to get out of where…”
The ABCs of Bitcoin
A is for the ancaps, deluded though they are
B is for Bruce Wagner, and little boys afar
C is for cryptography, a cool thing wasted here
D is for DAD, FUCK YOU, knock when you come near
E is for electric bills and unkempt nests of cables
F is for furries and their awful dog dick tables
G is for graphics cards, using watts of juice
H is for heat, it’s all that they produce
I am for bitcoins, I swear they’re in demand
J is for journalists, who just don’t understand
K is for kilos of drugs bought in a flash
L is for laughter from stores who prefer cash
M is for MtGox, subject to Japan’s laws,
N is for this news, which is good because
O is for O-stock, where fleshlights sold out from
P is for pedos, who love the little ones
Q is for Quebec, with cheaper electricity
R is for Reddit, our fine community
S is for scammer tag, for those very misleading
T is for the tumblers, ignoring victims’ pleading
U is for unconfirmed, you’re holding up the lines
V is for Voorhees, he’s running from the fines
W is for wackos who preach Bitcoin creed
X is for X-rays their brains probably need
Y is for YOSPOS where laffchains bring mirth
Z is for zero: what Bitcoin is worth.
Thanks to Lansdowne, flakeloaf, Dixie Cretin Seaman, haveblue, and AlbieQuirky
Mt. Gox’s MagicalTux is back, oblivious as ever
After months of silence following the totally unexpected and catastrophic collapse of the Magic: the Gathering Online eXchange, its CEO Mark Karpeles (AKA MagicalTux) has returned to the internet, posting on Twitter about PHP, yakisoba, and the Tokyo subways. It’s some pretty mundane stuff, and it’s obvious that he’s just trying to return to a somewhat normal life in glorious Nippon.
Everybody whose shit was pushed in by the invisible hand, however, doesn’t want him to forget his follies and are intent on reminding him that they threw thousands of dollars away “investing” in an unstable proof of concept created by an anonymous libertarian. Read on for a lengthy gallery of people who have made terrible decisions:
The Bitcoin Bowl
Bitcoin fans rejoice! The once prestigious, ranked 39th out of 40 Beef ‘O’ Brady Bowl in St. Petersburg, Florida, is now known as the Bitcoin bowl, thanks to the VC-funded, “we don’t have a business model” Bitcoin company Bitpay, who spent a whole $375,000 to sponsor the college bowl game for three years. No, this isn’t a desperate cry for legitimacy after Dogecoin sponsored NASCAR’s Josh Wise and sent him rocketing to weird internet stardom.
Naturally, some of the rules of college football will have to change to reflect the Bitcoin community’s values and standards. Thankfully, my awful pals at the SA forums have been more than happy to make some suggestions:
MORE CURLY FRIES:
put all the scores in the blockchain
MORE CURLY FRIES:
all plays take a ten minute break while everyone watching decides whether they agreed with what they saw
TVarmy:
i really hope they implement a tipping system at the game, where people in the stands pelt the players with quarters.
duTrieux.:
anybody who purchases at least 51% of all tickets gets to decide how the game ends
mr Scoop:
when scoring a touchdown players need to remember to pay the score transaction fee so the points will be confirmed before the end of the game
MORE CURLY FRIES:
instead of having players sent off the field for professional misconduct they must wear a special RULE BREAKER shirt so other players know not to do sport with them
FrozenVent:
25 points are awarded every 10 minutes
theflyingorc:
Halftime scheduled for Pattaya Thailand
Several field goals are orphaned
Field can only handle a maximum of 7 players at a time
haveblue:
clever coach sneaks sticker with team name into ref’s logbook, team credited with every touchdown that season
Chum Scandal:
players encouraged to remove pads and helmet to avoid overheating
bisticles:
The scoreboard is just a listing of every point scored by every team in every sport since the beginning of time
duTrieux.:
there are no referees, but there is a wiki
Ye olde bit coines
What if the Bitcoin economy and community had existed in a different time? The SA forums goons took it upon themselves this weekend to explore this alternate history and what might have been.
Parallel Paraplegic starts things out with this:
People here are always pointing out how Bitcoin is all the lessons learned over the last thousand years about why we have protections and the economy that we have in fast forward, but I don’t even think some peasant living a thousand years ago would be as bad at money as some of the things I’ve seen Bitcoiners do.
Mammon Loves You immediately responds with this:
Lost all my wheat, Depressed, Pointless rant (self.Barter)
submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah6969
Last harvest I put all my wheat in the back of my wagon and then I went into town to trade the wagon for a pig but I forgot about all the wheat in it. So angry at myself right now.
Orange Sunshine won’t be fooled again!
Jebediah Miller is a scoundrel!
He has sworn that for every bushel of corn lent to him, he would return 3 bushels by week’s end. All were led to believe that he would plant this corn and that, by some method not disclosed, his farm would produce a plentiful bounty for everyone. But instead he and his family have grown fat eating our corn, and have done no farming whatsoever! I have given over to his trust the bulk of my farm’s production this year, and I know not how I will survive the upcoming winter.
Feinne has been spotted nailing theses in odd places
I petitioned for a sign proclaiming him a cad to be affix’d ‘pon his door but he merely exchanged his ill-gotten corn to the local lord to have it removed!
Splicer was found unconscious and gibbering next to a mining rig
Deal not with Butterfly Stables! (self.Horses)
submitted 4 hours ago by Jebediah420
In return for a princely sum we were promised their finest dray-horse for January gone. This November morning I received what is mine; a nag of a horse worked near to death farming their own fields!
Pictures of my sweet farming rig! (self.FarmHacks)
submitted 6 hours ago by DryberryFarms
<crude woodcut of three ploughs nailed together vertically, all pulled by a single goat>
I have been feeding him naught but paraffin to improve his humors. Working well so far, some overheating.
QuarkJets must have used a cheap Chinese goose
I traded my donkey for a goose that lays golden eggs. The salesman said that you have to keep feeding it all of your food or else it will get jealous and lay no eggs at all. I keep feeding this accursed goose and it just honks loudly at me and never lays any eggs. After a few weeks of this my family was starving so I gave my son a crust of bread and the goose burst into flame, burning down my house.
Paladinus was spotted later lamenting the loss of his horse pictures
‘Tis come to my attention that some of you doubt the method behind alchemy. To this I say unto you the following. Times upon times have I been able to buy potions and black magic spells with the gold I’ve created through alchemic processes, a feat impossible with coins minted by the King. Before I was under close examination of inquisition, but now I have no fear for my life. If it is not a proof enough for you, you damn yourself with your own ignorance.
happyhippy will sell you a sack of unsigned royal contracts for cheap
So I met the dasterdly scoundrel round the back side of the local inn. In the stable area.
He was unkempt of hair and had a cheese like aroma to him, specially from his hands.
Before we could haggle for a good price of mine coines, he began to verse virtuous on not to sell them!
He said that rather selling to him, instead invest it with him in an adventure he proposed.
“An automatic coine exchange machine place in every inn and rest house!” I exclaimed.
“But good sir, who shall feed the ferrets in each contraption?!” I retorted.
The answer was not forthcoming. I cussed under my breath and walked away knowing he had no inclination to buying mine buottcoines.
Mammon Loves You could have been saved if only there were still SCAMMER placards
After becoming suspicious at the number of eggs that the trader “William” was willing to exchange for half a skinned rabbit I followed him home only to discover he is naught but a golem created from straw and clay by the moneylender Ephraim.
OwlBot 2000 is a serial smith-entrepreneur and will speak at your cathedral for a fair bit of gold
Hath not men of Reason found intrinsic Value to be without sense and without vigor? Foode is deare only by virtue of its Scarceness, and like may be said of all things in Nature; for Scarceness is the fount from whiche Value flows.
Powered Descent reminds us that there have always been libertarians
Bugger thee; I hath mine own.
Herman Merman was caught kissing the Reverend Dimmesdale behind a barn
Of late it seems like a great deluge of charlatains and conny-catchers hath afflicted our towne market.
How shall an honest yeoman tell curs and blackguardes apart from righteous menne, and not be unjustly parted from his buttecoines?
Mayhap we could add a scarlet lettering of some kynde beneath their likenesses.
thiswayliesmadness lives up to his name
I hath the idea to begin upon my greatest venture ever: A grand tourney for all the Lords and Ladies of the land to attend. There will be 25 different varieties of Punch and Judy shows for the urchins to partake, and my neighbor agreed to lend 3 of his mules for the knights to ride on. All I require from you is 3 wagons of lumber to hammer into the stands to make my dream come true. If I get enough donations I will hire this bard whom claims his ballads shall end the Great Crusades and bring about peace to all of his Majesty’s kingdom.
And finally, Jalumibnkrayal has big plans to match his big appetite and small mind
Goode day to all Christian persons read-ing this.
I most humbly request a king’s ransom of gold should be bequeath-ed to myself for mine purpose of rais-ing the Hub Barn of Rochelle in the Land of Wild Onions, so heathen named. Tis fallen in shameful disrepair as no men of God have lent hand or hoof to restore’t. I am no sickwaddle, and having work-ed on the lands of Ray D’Oshack, am willing to stipend half my living wages to this endeav-or. Tis not enough! We are still needed Thirty-Five times Ten-Thousand coins of kingsmark.
Moneys all needed for deeding mineself to hold title royal suff-icient to own this land and new barkeep sundries, as list-ed herein:
Five-foote bubble-watre fountain table.
Four-feete wooden boxe with fine latche and copper fittings.
One-and-one-half-foote pits dug for dumping of trash and night-soils.
One metal flat boarde, warm-ed underneath with burn-ing dung.
Thousandes of drink-ing bowles of diff’rent size and shape, all pleasing to God’s eyes.
Bavarii meat stick cook-er.
Bavarii meat stick bark powder.
Thousandes Bavarii meat stick metal twiggs.
Sweetsap spinning wheel, manned by those of befuddled mind.
Thousands drams of sweetsap and papers for gripp-ing.
Ye Tiny Wytches Bath, so made for browning of meats in hotoil.
Sundry devices for eating hotted cattle grains.
Clever Barnaby’s Bubble-Watre Fountain, a magni-ficent product of tubes of bent brass, piping noises and sully tank. Rotting fishes placed in tank do produce noxious vapors to travel through tubes and into tasty Bubble-Watres for drinking.
Five-gallones plagueman’s pepper concoction.
Five-gallones amber tincture of His Royal Crowne.
Five-gallones syrups of lemon and Orbs De Hispania.
Five-gallones lemon juices and blood.
Five-gallones grape-fruit novel-ty sweetsip.
Hub Barn itself.
Enough rugs such that no bare foot can touche God’s earth.
Engel Epson, man of loude yell-ing to talk about the pictures in the front of the barn.
Various jars of oils, spices, and ferments to place upon cook-ed Bavarii meats.
One eunuch, with iron hipbox for collection of moneyz from all who enter.
One raven, train-ed to bring creditte slips to local cave of hasids.
One firebox.
Enough boulders and haybales such that any Christian might sit and rest.
One firebox for make-ing papist pies.To any Whom would ask WHY SHALL I ENTER INTO THIS BARN WHENCE I HAVE ONE OF MINE OWN?
Long-travelled from the Celestial-worshipping Orient, we have drawings of the Bear In the Hat, who did Travel the World in his Sky-chariot!
NO HASIDS OR MUSSELMEN.
Bitcoiner or cult leader?
While it’s fun (and accurate) to compare the Bitcoin community to a cult, how well can you, our loyal readers, tell the two apart? Inspired by this absurd post on Twitter, we started wondering.
Following are a selection of quotes, either from the leader of a dangerous (or harmless, in some cases) cult, or from a random bitcoiner who has been selected from a massive pool of dangerous sociopaths. See if you can figure out which is which without cheating via search engine:
1: You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.
2: My whole life I have suffered from poverty and have faced many disappointments and pain, like a man is used to. That is why I want to make other people happy.
3: This is a warning that if any of you attempt to kill me, all you will do is prove my reality right. In which that moment I would gain supernatural abilities.
4: We have to relearn, reprogram our brains… the method to do so is to observe if the thought comes and analyze it and replace it then with a better one.
5: If many people listen to me, that’s not my choice, it is theirs and they make it because of how I speak, not despite of it.
6: Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story
7: MAKE MONEY. MAKE MORE MONEY. MAKE OTHER PEOPLE PRODUCE SO AS TO MAKE MORE MONEY.
8: There is something to the Jewish lobby. They definitely wield large influence. They, like many others wield great power in the world.
9: The democratic world has come to a dead end; likewise, the communist world has come to a dead end.
10: Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Because in this case the cure is worse than the supposed disease.
11: We need a political organization to protect us and help us resist illegal governments.
12: Yes, we are in a transitional period and some of it might not be too pleasing to some, but to those who understand, it will be pleasing.
13: There is no direct profit for the church itself. But we have many prophets.
14: Okay, here’s an individual who says, “I will break away from the world.” Now breaking away from the world is not easy. It’s difficult. It’s tough.
15: Reason is man’s main means of survival. Force is bad because it is anti reason and therefore anti man.
16: Up to this point everything I had learned seemed ideological and somewhat abstract, but I felt the need to point out these truths to others.
After the break we’ll provide the answers.