Posts by :
The greatest buttcoin story ever told
Buttcoin beatdown, bitcoin, buttcoin, dumbass, eat, fail, gross., shit 2 Comments
No commentary for this one.
2 days ago I was delivering a USB stick with an GPG encrypted wallet to a customer for exchange. I wanted to do the delivery the next morning when I was going be in their part of town anyway but the customer insisted they needed it right away and I kinda owed them the favor of an after midnight delivery to the nightclub they worked at. No biggie, I’d couriered other packages to them there so I thought it was cool. Plus, they were gonna let me slide another week on a payment I owed them.
Anyway, the parking lot was full and I had to find a spot around the corner in the underground parking lot of a nearby business. I’ve blown too much money in that club on booze and women and squandered lots more on pool games, so to remove all temptation I left my wallet in my car and headed out with just my keys and the USB stick in my pocket. Because the street level is reserved for emergency vehicles and monthly paid parking, I had to go down two levels to find a spot. I parked near the elevators and noticed a couple of shady dudes hanging out near the stair well on the other side of the garage, smoking blunts and throwing bones. Oh, well, I’ll only be a minute. wallet and ride should be fine I think as I head to the elevators. I can prolly get one of the bouncers to walk back with me and the bundle I’ll be taking for the BTCs.
Turns out, the elevators are shut off that late at night. I gotta walk past the guys rolling dice at the stairs who are polite enough to tell me they shut the elevators off at 11pm as keep a brisk pace for the stairs.
About half-way up to the exit, through the long echoing concrete stairwell, I hear the more bleary-eyed of them asking in loud drunken slur what I’m doing in here this late and then something like “yeah let’s check it out”….I can hear them coming up the stairs.
I panicked. If I had my wallet on me I might be able to bribe them off with the $100 or so that’s in it, but all I’ve got on me is my keys and this USB stick that’s worth close to 10 large and my customer getting antsy at the other end. I start running for the next flight of stairs to the alley exit….when fuck me if one fast little bastard hasnt made it all the way around and is coming through the door above me with 2 more coming from below.
I knew they would shake me down and I had visions of them stealing the USB or worse, smashing it rage because I didnt have the blow or cash or whatever they were hoping to find. I didnt know what to do but I knew I had to do it fast….I swallowed the USB.
It barely made it down and was gagging me as it tried to make it’s way back up….they didnt know what to think. I think they thought I was having a seizure or something and just split as I stood there clutching the handrail and spewing out gobs of stringy spit as the jagged USB stick kind just hung there in what felt like the middle of chest.
Anyway…to make a long story short, I finally made it into the bar and had to belt down a couple of beers while I told my customer to fuck off for making me come out here so late with such a shitty neighborhood around. I told him he could have his BTC once it passed and that there’d be an extra 10% if that didnt happen before Wednesday.
The problem is, it hasnt passed. I’ve been shitting into my bathtub and put a big screen over the drain to catch the USB while washing it all down, but nothing. I’m fucking sick of Total cereal and prunes and had enough coffee to keep an interstate truck driver awake for 2 days. Nothing. I’m starting to worry the stick is dissolving inside me at this point.
I went to the emergency room and told them I think I swallowed something bad but didnt say what. maybe a battery or something. They took 5 hours to decide to take xrays and….nothing. They gave me some laxative and said to check back with my regular doctor.
I’m so screwed. The customer thinks I’m lying to him and the guy who I’m delivering for is equally sure I’m fucking him over. At this point if I dont get the 500BTC to my customer in the next 3 days I’m not going to have an ass to shit anything out of.
Can anyone please help me?
Buttcoin miner sacrafices self to save pet ferret.
Buttcoin accident, buttcoin, die, fail, ferret, heat, stroke 2 Comments
Bitcoin forums member sharuku is killing him/herself, literally, in the name of bitcoins. But at least the ferret is happy.
Found via the wonderful Bitcoin Mining Accidents site.
A list of things you can buy for buttcoins
Buttcoin bitcoin, buy, condoms, gross., peanuts, purchase, slim jims, store 1 Comment
Hey Buttcoin miners, show us your mining rigs!
Buttcoin basement, bitcoin, computers, dirty, disgusting, hovel, mining, poor, rigs, shun 5 Comments
Users are revolting, want to find Mt. Gox owners to “sort something out”.
Buttcoin bitcoin, close, fraud, money, mt. gox, run, scam, steal, theft 0 Comment
Uh-oh, looks like all the buttcoin miners with hundreds of bitcoins and thousands of dollars trapped in Mt. Gox aren’t happy with the endless delays and the murmurs of them waiting until the weekend to close up shop, take take the money and run.
At least one guy is being pro-active about the sitution.
Looks like someone’s gonna get got.
Forums member c-rock can read between the lines though.
This is going to get real ugly real fast folks.
Mt. Gox re-opening up at 11EDT tonight; huge run on the bank expected, total collapse of bitcoin economy emminent
Buttcoin bank, collapse, empty, mt. gox, run, sell 0 Comment
EDIT: Relaunch delayed 24 hours because someone took their last highlighter pens.
After Mr. Gox claimed do-overs, and had no idea how to re-secure their site or even verify who’s money is who, they are planning on re-opening tonight and everyone is waiting for the pandemonium to begin.
Bitcoins are the product of a possibly fictional Japanese man named Satoshi Nakamoto. They are “mined” through having computers with powerful graphics cards solve gradually more complex mathematical equations, and only 21 million Bitcoins will exist (creating an inherently deflationary currency, a major no-no). Bitcoin gained notoriety due to the press talking about how people were using a service named “Silk Road” to buy drugs online with Bitcoin, and Bitcoin’s “value” skyrocketed to over $30 to 1 BTC.
The big Bitcoin “currency exchange,” MtGOX (“Magic: the Gathering Online Exchange,” or, as they like to call it, “Mount Gox”) made a killing off of taking a .65% fee off of every conversion, and had a policy of only allowing people to withdraw $1000 USD a day or $10,000 a month from their MtGOX account, supposedly to conform with money laundering laws but actually to prevent a run on the bank. The first run on the bank happened in relatively slow motion due to MtGOX holding everyone’s money hostage (if you can only withdraw $1,000 a day you have an interest in keeping the bubble going artificially long) and helped prevent a full-fledged initial run on the bank. Nevertheless, prices plummeted as low as $10 USD-1 BTC before recovering to about $15.
Then, MtGOX was hacked and someone took 100,000 BTC and sold them to another account of his for $.01 a Bitcoin (to conform with their “withdraw no more than $1000 a day” rule) and this crashed the market. MtGOX shut down and has had an incredibly tough time trying to rebuild itself. It instituted a “rollback” of the deal and reclaimed the “stolen” Bitcoins, but it is still sitting on at least 1.3 million dollars of other people’s money, and they’re no longer even completely sure what belongs to who. They’re opening the market up again at 11 PM EDT tonight, and we will witness a full-scale cyber-run on the bank, It’s a Wonderful Life-style.
Various other exchanges have been set up to replace MtGOX, but none is that big yet.
Via Something Awful
Buttcoin Kings of Facebook
Buttcoin bitcoin, facebook, fb, neckbeards, newbies, scary, twitter, ugly 1 Comment
Let’s check out some sweet Bitcoin Facebook action, shall we?
Poor David here can’t eat because no one accepts his crypto-currency.
Yes you are, you fucking scary Russian bear.
What a ladies man. Sorry bub, no amount of buttcoins in the world will buy the poontang needed to transform you into a functional member of society.
Perhaps your get-rich schemes should involve something more than imaginary Liberty Dollars.
We’ve found Ozzy Ozbourne’s mother. Good lord you’re ugly.
This digital gangster cant handle the 0-day buttcoin haxxs
Thanks to YOSPOS for the inspiration